I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
