textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
