so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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