They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
