you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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