Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
