you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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