I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
