I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize