i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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