i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
