Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
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