Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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