I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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