I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
