i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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