i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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