You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
