Porn is love you can see.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
