Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
