There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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