Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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