I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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