If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
