I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
