The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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