He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
