I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize