insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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