apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
3 2 1 whiskey
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
