i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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