I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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