i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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