some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
