nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
