and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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