Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
