you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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