Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
