the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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