dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
