2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
