Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
