drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
