so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
