my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
