Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
