I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
