I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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