then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
