Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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