Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
