They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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