It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
