If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
