It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
