It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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