Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
