So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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