I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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