she woke up with a sticky ear
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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