I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You were trust falling into bushes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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