filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Im part way to drunk.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize