I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The power of my boobs compel you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
